November 18, 2008
SO here goes – entry one of many to come I’m sure. I never pictured myself a blogger, I just said to my sister a week ago that I wasn’t into the facebook “putting yourself out on the web thing”, but here I am. It’s quite self serving really, though I have been very overwhelmed by the number of phone calls and emails that I have gotten since I found out I have breast cancer just days ago, it also quickly became clear to me that giving “bad” or bewildering news to those you care about doesn’t get easier. Even after the twentieth phone call. Even after resorting to dropping an ebomb at work [sorry girls!] to let my co-workers know why I’ve been in and out lately. Even after watching people cry, when I felt cried out just after the first day. I’m a therapist for God’s sake…I’m not supposed to make people feel worse. The reality is, as intense and heartbreaking that receiving and delivering this news has been, I’ve quickly come to accept that this is definitely the calm before the storm. Nothing has really happened yet. Next week I find out if I go straight to surgery and then radiation; or to chemo, a bald Christmas [you thought my kids heads were big – oh Lord you haven’t seen anything yet!!] then surgery, more chemo, then radiation. I don’t say this to be a pessimist – I truly know and believe I will survive this, but it will take time. The surgeon said the big C has probably been lurking around my body for 5+ years undetected, it will take time to knock it back out of me. There’s no real “good” or “bad” news in the next several doctor appointments and procedures; just more results, which leads to treatment, which leads to more results. I’m ok with that. At least I feel like there is some version of a plan. SO here I am. Blogging. And oddly drawn to those little pink ribbons like a pale scarlet letter I feel compelled to wear. No one asks to belong to this sorority. I’ll never know why I was chosen. But I do know I am loved, and supported, and many years from now I will be thankful for having survived it.
Next up: 11/24/08 – lymph node biopsy
11/25/08 - results in at 2p
Thursday, November 20, 2008 9:23 AM, EST
I am quickly being reminded that I am not good at asking for help. I am REALLY not good at accepting it when it is given anyway. Makes me squirm. I am realizing that it is not the big issues here that are going to rack my nerves first, but the peripheral ones...like when Logan pukes at daycare yesterday and I need to pawn him off on Grandma [who was more than willing and able to take him] because I am trying to get my act together at work to prepare for crazier times to come and need to save my time off. And when he pukes again last night so he is with his other grandma [Mima] today [again, more than willing and able and already at my house] for the same reason. I should be home enjoying the fact that he just has a belly bug and will play all day long. But I am here at work with 5 open tabs on my laptop desktop writing this instead of getting focused enough to get my act together. Pisses me off. I know, I have issues. Good thing I am surrounded by therapists and social workers all day long. Don't worry, I am working on the whole asking for help thing - just ignore me if I squirm.
Erin asked about Casey - he rocks. We told him the basics [ok, Chris did most of the telling...]- "Mommy has a bump in her boobie called Cancer and we have to work with the doctors to get it all out". He asked some good questions and went on to playing with his yu-gi-oh cards. The next day he told me to "Have a purple day with the doctor - be nice to him". I was dreading talking to him, hate that my kids have to deal ith this at all...I'll deal with it, I'll be fine...they shouldn't have to. Thanks Cynthia for the good voodoo that got me through that one!!
Time to get some work done...thanks for all the good mojo!
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