WIne and Dissapointment

So while sharing a bottle of a really good California Red with my sister, we start talking about Chris. The downside of finishing the bottle. Apparently he is brazen enough to tell the neighbors about his current dates, taking whatever skank of the week to haunted houses over halloween. But he didn't buy his son a birthday gift. I claim to take the high road on visits, but the honest truth is that I prefer visits to be at home even though he disgusts me because I do not trust him with our children. Here comes a momentary pity party: I never thought this is who he was. I never thought I would be gullable enough to believe in someone who hadn't earned it. I never thought I would be the divorcee bitching about what a scumbag her ex husband was, and who dreaded the day [but yet secretly needed the day] that her children knows what little cahracter he has, and that their potential is so much greater. Pity party over...for now. I look at my kids and know that things are meant to be. I can no longer have kids, the tradeoff for being cured of cancer. So if I had lost faith in Chris or found out who he was even just four years ago, I wouldn't have Logan.I want my name back. I want my financial independance. I want my divorce.

Doing the right thing.

Everything in me wants to kick Chris in the teeth. And put a billboard in front of his store letting the world know what a liar and a cheat he is. But I can't. I have two boys watching me to see how this is all going to play out. So I do the right thing, and play nice, and hide the fact that when he comes to visit the kids I am cringing on the inside and want him as far away from my home as possible. And sit 5 feet away from him at Casey's football games and be polite while he chats it up with the other dads. I doubt he tells them that he is living in his parents house because he cheated on his wife and has shown up at maybe three games for his kids in the 5 years they've been doing sports. But...I do the right thing...and shut up...and play nice. And tell the kids to have fun with Daddy, even though I am scared to death he is going to do something stupid, or let them get hurt or scared or worried. Meanwhile my brain gets locked up, my paperwork is tragically behind because I cannot focus, and I get to worry and pray every month he manages to pay his damned child support while questioning when is the right time to give up on this house and move. I keep this blog attached to my cancer blog still. THe sentiments feel the same. I remember wanting the tumor to be gone. And the fight to be over. And I wanted to feel free from the pressure of it. I am back to that place again. But I will do the right thing...and show my boys how to survive.

Divorce

One day in 2008 I had to look my son in the face and tell him I had cancer. Today I had to tell him Chris and I were getting divorced. I'm tired of Casey having to grow up strong like this, and have to deal with this crap. Chris betrayed me, betrayed us a long time ago. Problem is I only caught him this week. Something told me to check his phone...and there was the text, making it clear Chris had been cheating. And when I confronted him, he made it clear it has been going on a long time and he was done being married. Tonight as he told Casey he wasn't staying the night anymore it became real, for Casey, and for Chris. The Stella in me just wants him out...gone...I'm a far better mother than he is a father, don't come around being fun daddy only for me to clean up the mess when you are gone. I know our sex life was pathetic, what Chris didn't seem to get was that he became so goddamned unlikeable, and made a life that we can't possibly fit into. I want his crap out of my home. I want peace. I want a full nights sleep. I want to not be jealous when I look at other couples. I want a life of my own. Guess I'm gonna get that part.

Jug Day revisted

I haven't written in a long time. Work, kids, stress, regrouping. All valid excuses I suppose. Coming up on the Komen Race again, kind of an anniversary of being done with treatment, and being cancer free...somehow life is still difficult in many ways. Chris's head may explode trying to keep his business alive, and I am now a widow to that place. Key Auto was his dream...I didn't know I'd be raising my kids on my own as a result. THen again, many things are going so much better since treatment ended. I am healthier. More assertive. Stronger. I'm doing my first volunteer events with Komen and signed up with Friend for Life too...

I know exactly what brought me back to write tonight. When I was driving Logan home and we were talking about his temper fits, he says to me, "you make me sad too, when you cry". I've not been much of a cryer in a long time so I wasn't sure what he meant. So I asked. And he told me he was sad when I had the booboo on my heart. He pointed to the spot where my port scar is...and it hit me. He knew when I got that port that things changed, and I was sad for awhile. I never knew it was that clear to him. And he can still see the scar. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. He was only one and a half when all this started. And he knew life changed. And he knows that scar was part of it. And he remembers. So in my shock and surprise I pull it together and tell him that that booboo let the doctors give me very special medicine, that made me all better. So that booboo made me better. And he smiled.

fraud or fighter?

There are times when I feel like a fraud. Like people have this image that I have it all together, that I am strong, and have this cancer thing kicked. Then why do I need ativan to sleep? And why do my husband and I cope with stress by only discussing the bare minimums, and he doesn't have a clue what my days are like? Logan is in trouble at school, and I know it is the aftereffects of having a totally stressed out and unhinged mommy at home who yells too much b/c I am constantly at my wits end. I keep thinking how do I pull out of this - I lurk around on the cancer boards, and find out I am not so unusual, but that there are no clear answers to the exit door either. I am trying to find things that make me happy, and make me a better parent..I just feel it is so much harder doing it on my own; Chris doesn't get it, he doesn't get me, and he is buried in the stress of the business and won't let anyone help. I want to be less of a faker, but am not ready to put it all out there - not sure what I'm afraid of, so I make little changes day by day. Try to focus on life, day by day. I do believe this will all lead somewhere, and I will ber better and happier for it. Sometimes it is just foggy. I didn't plan on being 37 and not being certain of who I am anymore. I imagined this point in my life being easier; more stable maybe. For now, I will be glad I have my kids, enjoy my friends, build up my faith again and hope the rest falls into place.

All Clear!

So I got the all clear 12/30/09 - just in time to kick this year to the curb and start fresh. I wish Chris had some sense of what that means, or what this year has done to me, but I don't think he gets it - he is too busy trying to keep his business alive, and that is not meant as a slight. He is working like a dog to keep Key Auto alive and well - it just keeps him a bit clueless to my life. I wonder if he would be surprised how so many people reacted for me when I posted my results on Facebook, or if he would know what that means to me. Part of the journey - all I know to do is to keep getting myself back to where I want, which is not even the same person I was before cancer. I want to be better, healthier, wiser, kinder, stronger...I want to make the battle sof the last year worth it for me and my kids. I want them to know life is worth fighting for and people are important. All kids of people; those who you knew were close, and especially those who suprised you along the way. Bring on 2010 - the year AFTER cancer.