Waiting...

I got my CT yesterday, went overall well, learned about ultrasound guided IV's, and that that is the only way I will get IV's in the future. I was amazed, I didn't even feel the contrast fluid which had caused me such pain and panic before. And now I wait. I called Dr. Paris today to get results, Nancy warned me she was slammed today b/c of the holiday, but I really thought I would get a call today. It is amazing that the medical world has become so litigious that my results can be out there in cyberspace but I don't have the right to see them, and there is no one available to say "your scan is clear, continue on with life now". I don't think there will be anything on the scan, I just want to hear it - it is a milestone. I just want to hear it. I've only been waiting a year...

Had a good voodoo session with Cynthia the other day, but intense; felt like my brain had been in a blender when we were done, and I certainly don't have clear focus on everything that got procesed. She says I beat myself up too much...and I get that, but I think there is part of me that is afraid of what will become of me if I stop fighting. Can't it be possible to be fighting for something good in life? What if when I stop fighting I lose the parts of me that I like, that feels worthwhile? What if I am just hormonal and full of crap and craving attention and insecure like everyone else in the world? I really think I can be ok with that. I just need to get my all clear. I need to hear it.