Back to "normal"?

I find myself feeling often like a hypocrit - acting like everything is back to normal, and I have it all figured out and better now, when that is basically a load of crap. Nothing is normal, I have lost normal. Sometimes that is a good thing - we took a vacation this thanksgiving, that was far from normal, but it was so very good. There are moments when I act normal, but cancer is never far off my mind. Sometimes it is cursing the tamoxifen induced hot flashes or achiness, or wondering if I am stressed, or cranky, or hormonally imbalanced [thanks again, tamoxifen]. I had to fight to get my next CT scan done in a more humane manner that wouldn't blow my veins apart, but the anxiety of that scan still plagues me. I am not, however, taking the whole Christmas shopping thing nearly as seriously as I used to - I suppose my "new normal" comes with some shifting of priorities. I just hope someday I can feel like maybe I haven't been so beaten up by this disease...people may be shocked by me saying I feel that way, but I do. There is too much of my brain that twiddles around cancer if I am not focused on other things. People still compliment me on how I have handled things, but if I have it so together, why do I feel like I am white knuckling through some days, why do I feel like I cannot be honest with most people about what is really going on in my head? I know I am blessed, I know I am healing, I know I am a wreck, I know I've been humbled, and I know I have not figured out what to do with these lessons yet.