Damned Cancer

I am haunted today. Haunted because a friend of my sister, who is 36 and newly diagnosed with breast cancer, just found out she is stage IV. Mets to the liver and spine. And I am a selfish beast because I keep thinking Oh My God that could have been me. And my craphead husband doesn't get that. That could have been me. But I am here, and alive, and cancer free, and able to complain about work, and my craphead husband. But I am haunted because this poor girl's struggle only reminds me that plenty of women die from breast cancer. And what if it comes back before I've had time to raise my boys...and what if...and what if...

I hate cancer. I hate divorce. In many ways the two feel the same. I told my oncologist I am getting rid of a 300 pound tumor without chemo or rads...harsh, I know. Once in a blue moon I get a little strength from standing up for myself and by myself; just like the strength I got from each chemo round completed, or each clean scan. But tonight, underneath the facade of cooking dinner and tucking my kids into bed...I am haunted.