fraud or fighter?

There are times when I feel like a fraud. Like people have this image that I have it all together, that I am strong, and have this cancer thing kicked. Then why do I need ativan to sleep? And why do my husband and I cope with stress by only discussing the bare minimums, and he doesn't have a clue what my days are like? Logan is in trouble at school, and I know it is the aftereffects of having a totally stressed out and unhinged mommy at home who yells too much b/c I am constantly at my wits end. I keep thinking how do I pull out of this - I lurk around on the cancer boards, and find out I am not so unusual, but that there are no clear answers to the exit door either. I am trying to find things that make me happy, and make me a better parent..I just feel it is so much harder doing it on my own; Chris doesn't get it, he doesn't get me, and he is buried in the stress of the business and won't let anyone help. I want to be less of a faker, but am not ready to put it all out there - not sure what I'm afraid of, so I make little changes day by day. Try to focus on life, day by day. I do believe this will all lead somewhere, and I will ber better and happier for it. Sometimes it is just foggy. I didn't plan on being 37 and not being certain of who I am anymore. I imagined this point in my life being easier; more stable maybe. For now, I will be glad I have my kids, enjoy my friends, build up my faith again and hope the rest falls into place.

All Clear!

So I got the all clear 12/30/09 - just in time to kick this year to the curb and start fresh. I wish Chris had some sense of what that means, or what this year has done to me, but I don't think he gets it - he is too busy trying to keep his business alive, and that is not meant as a slight. He is working like a dog to keep Key Auto alive and well - it just keeps him a bit clueless to my life. I wonder if he would be surprised how so many people reacted for me when I posted my results on Facebook, or if he would know what that means to me. Part of the journey - all I know to do is to keep getting myself back to where I want, which is not even the same person I was before cancer. I want to be better, healthier, wiser, kinder, stronger...I want to make the battle sof the last year worth it for me and my kids. I want them to know life is worth fighting for and people are important. All kids of people; those who you knew were close, and especially those who suprised you along the way. Bring on 2010 - the year AFTER cancer.