Waiting...

I got my CT yesterday, went overall well, learned about ultrasound guided IV's, and that that is the only way I will get IV's in the future. I was amazed, I didn't even feel the contrast fluid which had caused me such pain and panic before. And now I wait. I called Dr. Paris today to get results, Nancy warned me she was slammed today b/c of the holiday, but I really thought I would get a call today. It is amazing that the medical world has become so litigious that my results can be out there in cyberspace but I don't have the right to see them, and there is no one available to say "your scan is clear, continue on with life now". I don't think there will be anything on the scan, I just want to hear it - it is a milestone. I just want to hear it. I've only been waiting a year...

Had a good voodoo session with Cynthia the other day, but intense; felt like my brain had been in a blender when we were done, and I certainly don't have clear focus on everything that got procesed. She says I beat myself up too much...and I get that, but I think there is part of me that is afraid of what will become of me if I stop fighting. Can't it be possible to be fighting for something good in life? What if when I stop fighting I lose the parts of me that I like, that feels worthwhile? What if I am just hormonal and full of crap and craving attention and insecure like everyone else in the world? I really think I can be ok with that. I just need to get my all clear. I need to hear it.

Back to "normal"?

I find myself feeling often like a hypocrit - acting like everything is back to normal, and I have it all figured out and better now, when that is basically a load of crap. Nothing is normal, I have lost normal. Sometimes that is a good thing - we took a vacation this thanksgiving, that was far from normal, but it was so very good. There are moments when I act normal, but cancer is never far off my mind. Sometimes it is cursing the tamoxifen induced hot flashes or achiness, or wondering if I am stressed, or cranky, or hormonally imbalanced [thanks again, tamoxifen]. I had to fight to get my next CT scan done in a more humane manner that wouldn't blow my veins apart, but the anxiety of that scan still plagues me. I am not, however, taking the whole Christmas shopping thing nearly as seriously as I used to - I suppose my "new normal" comes with some shifting of priorities. I just hope someday I can feel like maybe I haven't been so beaten up by this disease...people may be shocked by me saying I feel that way, but I do. There is too much of my brain that twiddles around cancer if I am not focused on other things. People still compliment me on how I have handled things, but if I have it so together, why do I feel like I am white knuckling through some days, why do I feel like I cannot be honest with most people about what is really going on in my head? I know I am blessed, I know I am healing, I know I am a wreck, I know I've been humbled, and I know I have not figured out what to do with these lessons yet.