Who We Become

The title came to mind out of the blue - not clear if it intended as all negative or positive, more surreal. I know I am in large part the same person I've been for a long time. I guess in fairness that person has been buried for a while, and I'm not certain I have dusted off the all soot yet...taking my time on that I guess. There is a part of me that is so angry that I tried and gave and believed in someone who has proven to be so undeserving. I stumble upon that and get hung up on the fact that I made that choice...I made the choice to stay, to believe, to put up with his crap, to defend him, to make excuses to those who saw what was happening. It is so easy to look back now and see how early on the signs were forming...how early on it should have been clear that Chris was pretending to be in the life I was in, and I was pretending he was worth waiting for. Well, I waited and waited. Wasted time.

As far as who has he become, the best I can say he is the person just before I met him 20 years ago. The only sense I can make of this is that he was in the beginnings of wanting a different life when I met him, and I fit that bill. But 20 years later, he is who he is. An arrogant, foolish man. A crappy father. A cheater...in marriage and in life. I guess if there is any consolation here it is that I am not left wanting him back, I am just left wondering who the hell he was and who the hell I was that I once believed in him. I would be so easy to just walk on if I didn't have to deal with him. If I didn't have to see Casey's face when he is late. If I didn't have to shut my mouth when Casey comes to me upset that his dad did something crappy, or isn't paying attention, or doesn't listen to him when he finally gets up the nerve to talk to his dad. If I didn't have to hear his excuses about why he doesn't pay his meager child support on time.If I had my name back.I don't want to be a Keith anymore. C'mon Holly...get this thing going for me...I have a life waiting somewhere for me!

Too Many Hats

Divorcee.Single mom. Therapist. Program Director.Friend.Sister.Daughter.Probably in that order. If I could make the first one happen, it would bring a little relief to the rest, it kind of clogs up the current identity flow here. Funny that survivor didn't rank in...maybe that is just a sign that my recent clear scans has given me a boost of confidence until next March when I panic again about that. Maybe I just don't have time for it. Not that I'm in pity party mode here, I'm not, but I'm just too busy and preoccupied with too many things. Not a good place to be because it means nothing is getting done at 100%. I feel like I'm 15 again in a weird way, old enough to know what I am good at, but shaken enough to doubt my perceptions of people and doubt my path here. Maybe a renewed adolescence can be liberating...time to reaffirm who I am and what I want without having to be burdened with my "husbands" needs or desires. Time to shed the skin I've been in for too long and slither out a new fresher version of myself. Sounds good...until I realize that means I have to stop long enough to think about where I'm headed and make a plan. Maybe if I shed the skin I will actually make this blog something more than my secret occasional diary. I suppose even the simplest metamorphosis takes it's own time to come to life...so Patty saves her Irish jugs...and figures out how to get a life.

Damned Cancer

I am haunted today. Haunted because a friend of my sister, who is 36 and newly diagnosed with breast cancer, just found out she is stage IV. Mets to the liver and spine. And I am a selfish beast because I keep thinking Oh My God that could have been me. And my craphead husband doesn't get that. That could have been me. But I am here, and alive, and cancer free, and able to complain about work, and my craphead husband. But I am haunted because this poor girl's struggle only reminds me that plenty of women die from breast cancer. And what if it comes back before I've had time to raise my boys...and what if...and what if...

I hate cancer. I hate divorce. In many ways the two feel the same. I told my oncologist I am getting rid of a 300 pound tumor without chemo or rads...harsh, I know. Once in a blue moon I get a little strength from standing up for myself and by myself; just like the strength I got from each chemo round completed, or each clean scan. But tonight, underneath the facade of cooking dinner and tucking my kids into bed...I am haunted.