Divorce

One day in 2008 I had to look my son in the face and tell him I had cancer. Today I had to tell him Chris and I were getting divorced. I'm tired of Casey having to grow up strong like this, and have to deal with this crap. Chris betrayed me, betrayed us a long time ago. Problem is I only caught him this week. Something told me to check his phone...and there was the text, making it clear Chris had been cheating. And when I confronted him, he made it clear it has been going on a long time and he was done being married. Tonight as he told Casey he wasn't staying the night anymore it became real, for Casey, and for Chris. The Stella in me just wants him out...gone...I'm a far better mother than he is a father, don't come around being fun daddy only for me to clean up the mess when you are gone. I know our sex life was pathetic, what Chris didn't seem to get was that he became so goddamned unlikeable, and made a life that we can't possibly fit into. I want his crap out of my home. I want peace. I want a full nights sleep. I want to not be jealous when I look at other couples. I want a life of my own. Guess I'm gonna get that part.

Jug Day revisted

I haven't written in a long time. Work, kids, stress, regrouping. All valid excuses I suppose. Coming up on the Komen Race again, kind of an anniversary of being done with treatment, and being cancer free...somehow life is still difficult in many ways. Chris's head may explode trying to keep his business alive, and I am now a widow to that place. Key Auto was his dream...I didn't know I'd be raising my kids on my own as a result. THen again, many things are going so much better since treatment ended. I am healthier. More assertive. Stronger. I'm doing my first volunteer events with Komen and signed up with Friend for Life too...

I know exactly what brought me back to write tonight. When I was driving Logan home and we were talking about his temper fits, he says to me, "you make me sad too, when you cry". I've not been much of a cryer in a long time so I wasn't sure what he meant. So I asked. And he told me he was sad when I had the booboo on my heart. He pointed to the spot where my port scar is...and it hit me. He knew when I got that port that things changed, and I was sad for awhile. I never knew it was that clear to him. And he can still see the scar. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. He was only one and a half when all this started. And he knew life changed. And he knows that scar was part of it. And he remembers. So in my shock and surprise I pull it together and tell him that that booboo let the doctors give me very special medicine, that made me all better. So that booboo made me better. And he smiled.