The title came to mind out of the blue - not clear if it intended as all negative or positive, more surreal. I know I am in large part the same person I've been for a long time. I guess in fairness that person has been buried for a while, and I'm not certain I have dusted off the all soot yet...taking my time on that I guess. There is a part of me that is so angry that I tried and gave and believed in someone who has proven to be so undeserving. I stumble upon that and get hung up on the fact that I made that choice...I made the choice to stay, to believe, to put up with his crap, to defend him, to make excuses to those who saw what was happening. It is so easy to look back now and see how early on the signs were forming...how early on it should have been clear that Chris was pretending to be in the life I was in, and I was pretending he was worth waiting for. Well, I waited and waited. Wasted time.
As far as who has he become, the best I can say he is the person just before I met him 20 years ago. The only sense I can make of this is that he was in the beginnings of wanting a different life when I met him, and I fit that bill. But 20 years later, he is who he is. An arrogant, foolish man. A crappy father. A cheater...in marriage and in life. I guess if there is any consolation here it is that I am not left wanting him back, I am just left wondering who the hell he was and who the hell I was that I once believed in him. I would be so easy to just walk on if I didn't have to deal with him. If I didn't have to see Casey's face when he is late. If I didn't have to shut my mouth when Casey comes to me upset that his dad did something crappy, or isn't paying attention, or doesn't listen to him when he finally gets up the nerve to talk to his dad. If I didn't have to hear his excuses about why he doesn't pay his meager child support on time.If I had my name back.I don't want to be a Keith anymore. C'mon Holly...get this thing going for me...I have a life waiting somewhere for me!
